Gottman 17-Areas Scale Gottman 17-Areas Scale Name First Last Date Date Format: MM slash DD slash YYYY Please take the time to read each area below that reflects your life together with your partner. Tell us if this area is fine or needs improvement. Check the boxes that you think applies to your relationship right now. At the end of each area add any comments. If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 1. CONNECTION Staying emotionally connected Becoming emotionally distant Just simply talking to each other. Not a problem A problem Staying emotionally in touch with each other. Not a problem A problem Feeling taken for granted? Not a problem A problem Don't feel my spouse knows me very well right now. Not a problem A problem Spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged. Not a problem A problem Spending time together. Not a problem A problem Comments: Connection If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 2. JOB AND OTHER STRESSES Handling job and other stresses effectively Experiencing the "spill over" of non-marital stresses Helping each other reduce daily stresses Not a problem A problem Talking about these stresses together. Not a problem A problem Talking together about stress in a helpful manner. Not a problem A problem Spouse listening with understanding about my stresses and worries. Not a problem A problem Spouse takes job or other stress out on me. Not a problem A problem Spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others in our life. Not a problem A problem Comments: Job and other stresses If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 3. ISSUES or DISAGREEMENTS Handling issues or disagreements well Gridlocking on one or more issues Differences have arisen between us that feel very basic. Not a problem A problem These differences seem unresolvable. Not a problem A problem We are living day-to-day with hurts. Not a problem A problem Our positions are getting entrenched. Not a problem A problem It looks like I will never get what I hope for. Not a problem A problem I am very worried that these issues may damage our relationship. Not a problem A problem Comments: Issues or Disagreements If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 4. ROMANCE AND PASSION The marriage is romantic and passionate. It is becoming passionless; the fire is going out. My spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate. Not a problem A problem My spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently. Not a problem A problem We rarely touch each other. Not a problem A problem My spouse (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic. Not a problem A problem We rarely cuddle. Not a problem A problem We have few tender or passionate moments. Not a problem A problem Comments: Romance and Passion If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 5. SEX LIFE Our sex life is fine. It is becoming passionless; the fire is going out. The frequency of sex. Not a problem A problem The satisfaction I (or my spouse) get from sex. Not a problem A problem Being able to talk about sexual problems. Not a problem A problem The two of us wanting different things sexually. Not a problem A problem Problems of desire. Not a problem A problem The amount of love in our lovemaking. Not a problem A problem Comments: Sex Life If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 6. IMPORTANT LIFE EVENT An important life event (life birth of a child, changes in job, job loss, an illness, death of a loved one) has occurred in our lives. The marriage is dealing with this well. The marriage is NOT dealing with this well. We have very different points of view on how to handle things. Not a problem A problem This event has led my partner to be very distant. Not a problem A problem This event has made us both irritable. Not a problem A problem I'm worried about how this will all turn out. Not a problem A problem We are now taking up very different positions. Not a problem A problem Comments: Important Life Event If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 7. CHILDREN Major issues about children have arisen. The marriage is dealing with this well. The marriage is NOT dealing with this well. We have very different points of view on goals for the children. Not a problem A problem We have very different positions on what to discipline the children for. Not a problem A problem We have different positions on how to discipline the children. Not a problem A problem We are not talking about these issues very well. Not a problem A problem There is a lot of tension or anger about these differences. Not a problem A problem Comments: Children If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 8. IN-LAW OR RELATIVE(S) Major issues or events have arisen about in-laws, a relative or relatives The marriage is dealing with this well. The marriage is NOT dealing with this well. I feel unaccepted by my partner's family. Not a problem A problem I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in. Not a problem A problem I feel unaccepted by my own family. Not a problem A problem There is tension between us about what might happen. Not a problem A problem This issue has generated a lot of irritability. Not a problem A problem I am worried about how this is going to turn out. Not a problem A problem Comments: Issues or Events about in-laws, relative(s) If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 9. EXTRA-MARITAL ATTRACTION Being attracted to other people or jealousy is not an issue. Spouse is flirtatious is a problem. Recent extra-marital affair. This area is a source of a lot of hurt. Not a problem A problem This area is an area that creates insecurity. Not a problem A problem I can't deal with the lies. Not a problem A problem It is hard to re-establish trust. Not a problem A problem There is a feeling of betrayal. Not a problem A problem It's hard to know how to heal this. Not a problem A problem Comments: Extra-marital attraction/jealousy If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 10. DISAGREEMENTS When disagreements arise, we resolve issues well. Unpleasant fights have occurred. There are more fights now. Not a problem A problem The fights seem to come out of nowhere. Not a problem A problem Anger and irritability has crept in to our marriage. Not a problem A problem We get into muddles where we are hurting each other. Not a problem A problem I don't feel very respected lately. Not a problem A problem I feel criticized. Not a problem A problem Comments: Disagreements If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 11. BASIC VALUES AND GOALS We are in synchrony on basic values and goals. Differences between us in these areas or in desired life style are emerging. Differences have arisen in life goals. Not a problem A problem Differences have arisen about important beliefs. Not a problem A problem Differences have arisen on leisure time interests. Not a problem A problem We seem to be wanting different things out of life. Not a problem A problem We are growing in different directions. Not a problem A problem I don't much like who I am with my partner. Not a problem A problem Comments: Basic values and goals If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 12. HARD EVENTS Very hard events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within the marriage. We are handling these well. They seem to be hard for the marriage to deal with right now. There has been physical violence between us. Not a problem A problem There is a problem with alcohol or drugs. Not a problem A problem This is turning into a marriage I hadn't bargained for. Not a problem A problem Our marriage "contract" is changing. Not a problem A problem I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive. Not a problem A problem I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage. Not a problem A problem Comments: Hard Events If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 13. WORKING AS A TEAM We work well as a team. We are not working very well as a team right now. We used to share more in the family's workload. Not a problem A problem We seem to be pulling in opposite directions. Not a problem A problem Spouse does not share in housework or child care. Not a problem A problem Spouse is not carrying weight financially. Not a problem A problem I feel alone in managing this family. Not a problem A problem Spouse not being very considerate. Not a problem A problem Comments: Working as a Team If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 14. POWER OR INFLUENCE We are coping well with issues of power or influence. We are having trouble in this area. I don't feel influential in decisions we make. Not a problem A problem Spouse has become more domineering. Not a problem A problem I have become more demanding. Not a problem A problem Spouse has become passive. Not a problem A problem Spouse is "spacey", not a strong force in the marriage. Not a problem A problem I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things. Not a problem A problem Comments: Issues of Power or Influence If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 15. FINANCES We are handling issues of finances well. We are having trouble in this area. I, or spouse, just doesn't bring in enough money. Not a problem A problem We have differences about how to spend our money. Not a problem A problem We are stressed about finances. Not a problem A problem Spouse is financially more interested is self than us. Not a problem A problem We are not united in managing our finances. Not a problem A problem There is not enough financial planning. Not a problem A problem Comments: Finances If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 16. HAVING FUN TOGETHER We are doing well having fun together. We are not having very much fun together these days. We don't seem to have very much time for fun. Not a problem A problem We try but don't seem to enjoy our times together very much. Not a problem A problem We are too stressed for fun. Not a problem A problem Work takes up all of our time these days. Not a problem A problem Our interests are so different now that there are no fun things we like to do together. Not a problem A problem We plan fun things to do but they never happen. Not a problem A problem Comments: Having fun together If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship 17. SPIRITUALITY We are feeling close in the area of spirituality together We are not doing well in that area these days. Sharing the same beliefs. Not a problem A problem Agreeing about religious ideas and values. Not a problem A problem Issues about specific church, mosque, synagogue, etc.. Not a problem A problem Communicating well about spiritual things. Not a problem A problem Issues that are about spiritual growth and change. Not a problem A problem Spiritual issues involving family or children. Not a problem A problem Comments: Spirituality If things are fine describe how you are managing this area of your life. If things are not fine, describe obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship If there is an area we did not cover, please make your comments about that (or anything else) here:
