The Magic Question
If you encounter someone experiencing a negative emotion, it can sometimes be a difficult interaction, especially if they directed the negative emotion toward you. You can try to empathize with the other person to understand what is like inside for them at this moment. There is nothing wrong with this approach. It feels good when someone really gets how we feel. However, it is limited. I might listen empathically and have a pretty good idea about how you feel, but no idea about what you need to be happy and well.
This is where the magic question comes in. The magic question is various forms of asking what the other person needs. “What do you need to be happy and well?” “You seem really upset. What do you need about this problem?” “You seem really angry. What is it you need that I seem to be missing?” A feeling lets me know what is like inside of you at this moment. A need connects us to the outside world. It gives others something they can relate to.
If the person is really bright, they might express their need using an abstract word such as “I need you to respect me more.” It is essential to encourage the person to express their need in terms that are doable and observable. “If I were to meet this need, what would that look like?” The idea you have in your head of what respect looks like might differ from the one in my head.
The next step is “blending.” This is what I understand you need. Well, this is what I need in this situation. What are your ideas about how we might blend our needs together? Rare are the needs that are mutually exclusive.
You know why I call it the “magic question?” Because it works like magic. Try it. Now have a great rest of the day.